The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
