Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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