Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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