Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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