I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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