my vag is so smooth its legendary
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
