i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
