It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
