She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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