i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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