dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
