I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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