She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.