just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
