Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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