I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
