Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
