my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
