Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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