I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Randomize
