Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
