I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
