Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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