About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
