dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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