Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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