When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
