Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
