You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
