I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
