dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
too bad you live with your parents still
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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