why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
