Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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