considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
