I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
