Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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