Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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