I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
