I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
