I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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