She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
