I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
