Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
