He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
