Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
