Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
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Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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