I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
