Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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