Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"