my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends