good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.