I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
im holly from the hills drunk
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
