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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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