Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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