I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
