I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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