you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
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mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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