Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
